Friday, March 23, 2012

A Whole Person – A Scale Victory in Progress



I was going to write one giant post but I’m going to write two separate ones because they two so totally different topics.  Today is dedicated to the scale victories and what it means to me.  The next post will be on the Non-Scale Victories (NSV) and how those can mean so much more.

On Wednesday, I had my 9-month check up.  I’ve been feeling pretty good about my loss up to this point, just based on my clothes.  No, I still don’t own a scale and I’m not sure at what point I will get one, if ever.  I can see myself becoming neurotic and causing that OCDness in me to flare!  

So back to the visit.  I love the folks at Transformations.  They are so wonderful and encouraging.  One of the first things that happens when you go in the back is the walk to the scale.  Now, before surgery, it was the walk of doom but now I can honestly say it’s becoming alright.  I was down 28 pounds and I was pretty hyped about that.  When the doctor came in to look at my chart, she said something that took my breath away and almost caused me to bawl my eyes out.  What was it?

“Do you realize you’ve lost a whole person?”

A WHOLE PERSON!!

My total loss since the surgery is 166 pounds and that, my friends, is a whole person.  She stepped out of the room for a moment and I had to fight the tears.  I texted everyone I knew and used up all the Kleenex in the tiny box on the shelf.  How did I feel?

Overwhelmed

Stunned

Elated

Depressed

I know you’re wondering how depressed made the list.  Depressed comes in because I can’t believe I let myself get to the point where I had to lose a whole person.  What a lot of people who have never had to fight with their weight don’t understand is how easy it is to let it get out of control.  It’s not like you go to sleep one day and wake up overweight.  It’s a gradual process and before you know it, you are there.  It’s easy to ignore, at least at first.  That’s when you start going up to the next size.  You ignore the aches and pains caused by the excess weight on your knees and feet.  Before you realize it or even recognize it, you are more than just overweight, you are obese. 

Being the control freak I am, the very realization that I had actually let myself get that far gone hit me in the core of my being.  I understand now how close to dead I had allowed myself to come.  How could I do that to my family, my friends, to myself?

In the midst of all this, there is a beacon of hope.

  Hope because I took the first steps to take back control of my life.

  Hope because I feel better that I have in a very long time.

  Hope because I am conscious of what I do to my body and the effect it has on it, long-term.  

Hope because I lost a whole person and they are not allowed to come back.

SMOOCHES

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Personal Space




I was going to title this post “Attention Whore” but I realized that people would immediately get the wrong idea about what I am trying to say, so a title change was definitely in order!  Personal space is more appropriate because I ultimately realized that is my issue.

I know when anyone loses a significant amount of weight, people notice.  Some people say nothing about it but there are some who say too much.  Before it is misunderstood, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the positive comments and acknowledgments.  I am glad so many people are positively supporting my journey and offering encouragement.  Some days I really need it even if I don’t express that need.  A lot of my personal space issue is well…personal so let me explain.

I am an intensely private person, always have been.  Writing is a way to express what I feel but in person, I tend to keep it close to the chest.  People who have become my friends have been friends for a long time and it took a while to build up that level of trust.  I think that part of the weight gain was an effort to keep people at arm’s length.  After all, most people overlook fat people.  Don’t believe me?  Just read this article or this one that discusses fat discrimination.  

Being invisible suited me.  I’m still working on what I was hiding from but at the time, I didn’t care.  This is why the attention the weight loss has bought me is disturbing.   I’m used to being invisible or just ignored.  My very public and noticeable change has bought on very public commentary.  Like I said before, most of it is positive but some of it is very intrusive.  While I don’t have a problem with discussion the fact I had surgery, there are details that, unless you are a close, personal friend, you have no business knowing or asking.


 I realize that some people feel that since you are undergoing such a very noticeable change in the eyes of the world, they feel that they have license to ask questions.  There have been some very respectful questions and I’ve been asked how to go about the process of qualifying for WLS.  However, there have been those other questions like:

“How much weight have you lost?”

“How much do you need to lose?”

“How much did you weight before?”

“What size clothes are you wearing and/or used to wear?”

“What does your husband say about you getting ‘fine’?”

“Did you REALLY need surgery?  Couldn’t you just dieted/exercise/had self control?”

I’m just amazed that people have no concept of personal space, physical or personal.  I know we are living in a more open society, especially with the web making everything accessible, but some things should remain…personal.  Hopefully, anyone who is reading this will understand I love the love but there are things that I won’t discuss.  Everyone is entitled to their personal space and even when we are doing public things, we deserve our private time.