Sunday, May 22, 2011

Just Who Am I?

This is a post I wrote for Lifarre, a Women's Social Network.  I wanted to share this with everyone here!

For the past year, I've been on this journey into myself.  I am a candidate for gastric bypass, which should be taking place in the next few weeks.  Until now, I have spent the past nine months at the doctor's, playing Russian roulette with the scale.  It has not been an easy trip, that is for sure!  I've pouted, cried, screamed, and binged all along the way.

Along the way, I've been discovering who I am.  For so long, I've hidden behind the weight and it was a comfortable place to be until it wasn't any more.  On my last birthday, I realized this was not the path I wanted to travel.  I had already taken steps to make major career changes but I couldn't help but wonder if I was the obstacle in my own path.

Let's be real for a moment.  I know there are many people who feel that you are less than because of weight problem.  Regardless of the degrees, the awards, or how bright you are, all they see is the surface.  I know wrong but we live in the world of supermodels and movie stars who are considered the standard.  It’s hard to compete when the standard is a size 0.

I’ve dieted so many times.  To be honest, it’s as natural as breathing.  My problem was addressing the issues behind my failures.  While exploring those reasons, I discovered a few things about myself.

1.  I rather not do it if I can’t do it perfectly.

2.  I want to do everything perfectly.

3.  I couldn’t give up control but somehow, my weight started to control me.

4.  Once I lost control, I lost my sense of self.

I’ve gone through the last few years in this haze of coca cola and junk food.  It was easier to eat the inadequate feelings than fact the music and fix the problem.    Now here I was, wanting people to take me seriously and this obstacle that was self-induced was in my way.  I knew it was time to face my issues head on.  What I didn’t know was how hard it is to pull out your own thorns!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Next Step - The Sleep Study

Today I have my sleep study and can we say, nervous?  There are several reasons for the nerves. 

1.  I'll be hooked up to all kinds of machines!  They will monitor eye movement, heart rate, breathing, pulse and goodness knows what else!  Did I mention the video camera?

2.  The strange bed.  Even when traveling, I don't sleep well in beds that aren't my own.  I tend to be restless and sleep really light away from home so I can imagine what affect this might have on my study results.

3.  Sleeping alone.  I know this one may seem silly but I haven't slept by myself in 11 years.  It's not always fun sharing bed with hubby.  We fuss over cover, whose side of the bed, pillows and all the other stuff that cohibitating sleeping quarters bring up.  But I am used to reaching over in the night and feeling his arm, just knowing he's there.  We've already talked about how weird it is to be sleeping apart and I feel just out of place.  I know I won't sleep well and again, this might jack up the tests!

I'm ready to get this over with, I'm so tired of tests but I think this is the last one.  Now to find my lunch and make it through the rest of my day!


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Brag Post!

This is one of the things that has caused me a ton of anixety!  In addition to school, I've been enrolled in the School District's Leadeship Academy.  It's the next step to a move position as a principal or central office and we've been working our butts off!  The Academy was actually a wonderful experience and I'm glad I met the people I met. 

We had our ceremony yesterday and it was great!  There was a luncheon and we got an awesome placque!

So now, I feel really accomplished!  Bring on the next role!


What I Am Is What I Am.

So first of all, let's update.  So far I've lost 40 pounds and people are starting to see the difference.  I'll admit, the attention is nice and intimidating.  In spite of popular beliefs, I'm actually a rather shy person and people who know me but don't KNOW me and comment on the weight loss tend to freak me out some.  I can't help but wonder how they'll be after the surgery!

Today's post is my attempt to focus on some of those feelings.  I'm used to be the "behind the scenes" person.  I'll make sure it's done right and I want the recognition but I don't have to be in the spotlight.  Making such a drastic physical change is forcing me out of my comfort zone and I feel more than a little anxiety about it.  I can honestly say I haven't felt the urge to eat the emotions.  Instead, I've been writing and book reviewing.  Channeling that anxiety into something else helps a lot.  I'm also gardening! LOL  OK by gardening means I grow tomatoes and peppers on my porch.  Want to see?

 They are bigger now and I'm starting to get baby tomatoes and peppers but I'm just thrilled I haven't killed them! I see now how people say gardening is relaxing because I enjoy going out in the evening and tending to my plants.  My doctor says she wants me to work on reducing my anxiety by taking 30 minutes a day to relax so this is becoming a part of my relaxation routine.  I know eventually I'll have to learn to deal with the attention but not today.  I'm going out on the porch enjoy this unseasonably cool Sunday afternoon and talk to my plants!