Sunday, May 22, 2011

Just Who Am I?

This is a post I wrote for Lifarre, a Women's Social Network.  I wanted to share this with everyone here!

For the past year, I've been on this journey into myself.  I am a candidate for gastric bypass, which should be taking place in the next few weeks.  Until now, I have spent the past nine months at the doctor's, playing Russian roulette with the scale.  It has not been an easy trip, that is for sure!  I've pouted, cried, screamed, and binged all along the way.

Along the way, I've been discovering who I am.  For so long, I've hidden behind the weight and it was a comfortable place to be until it wasn't any more.  On my last birthday, I realized this was not the path I wanted to travel.  I had already taken steps to make major career changes but I couldn't help but wonder if I was the obstacle in my own path.

Let's be real for a moment.  I know there are many people who feel that you are less than because of weight problem.  Regardless of the degrees, the awards, or how bright you are, all they see is the surface.  I know wrong but we live in the world of supermodels and movie stars who are considered the standard.  It’s hard to compete when the standard is a size 0.

I’ve dieted so many times.  To be honest, it’s as natural as breathing.  My problem was addressing the issues behind my failures.  While exploring those reasons, I discovered a few things about myself.

1.  I rather not do it if I can’t do it perfectly.

2.  I want to do everything perfectly.

3.  I couldn’t give up control but somehow, my weight started to control me.

4.  Once I lost control, I lost my sense of self.

I’ve gone through the last few years in this haze of coca cola and junk food.  It was easier to eat the inadequate feelings than fact the music and fix the problem.    Now here I was, wanting people to take me seriously and this obstacle that was self-induced was in my way.  I knew it was time to face my issues head on.  What I didn’t know was how hard it is to pull out your own thorns!

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