Monday, September 20, 2010

Fear and the way it clouds perception.

I have a GP appointment today to take care of presurgery blood work.  I can't help but think of how I'm afraid that the doctor will find something wrong.  I'm not a hypochondriac but at times I feel pretty close.  I have always been the worrier, the "what if" person.  I have a tendency to think logically about things to the detriment of my mental well-being.  At the same time, I don't want to burden others with my worries so I bury them inside. 

I realized in the wee hours of the morning that I am afraid.  I want this so bad yet the idea of change scares me to death.  Once again the "what ifs" have come back.  You hear the stories about people can't handle it when there is significant weight loss.  I started to wonder if I could.  After reading this article and this post, I realize, at least in the African American community, the weight is a protection of sorts from the scary world, the unwanted attention.  I want to be seen for the bright mind I have, the wit that comes out sometimes not for the physical.  I learned early to avoid the unwanted attention when I began to develop because I wasn't ready for it.  I thought hiding in the weight would basically make me invisible. 

Now I am facing the very real and very literal coming out of my shell.  I can't help but wonder will I be able to handle the extra attenetion.  I know people will notice the weight loss right off but once the body shape really starts to change, I know there will be other types of attention, less than flattering attention.  Idea, frankly, scares me.  It seems like it would be so much easier to say hidden in this fat suit and allow it to be my shield.  I guess this is a true test, my way of becoming the change I want to see.


  1. It's funny that you posted this. I've been thinking about this very same thing, as well, lately. I think change, in any way, is scary for some of us. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you, but honestly, I don't. I can only say that I feel you on this, big time.

    *HUGS* girl. You can do this and you will come out shining. I have faith in you.

  2. I agree with the comment above. Change is hard because it is uncertain as to what will happen. But just think about all the incredible things you will be able to do that you can not now:

    shop in the regular clothes section
    not think you are the "fattest" person in the room
    bend and stretch easier
    tie your shoes while standing up
    increase stamina
    do physical activities that are not possible at this point in your life
    learn to understand what it feels like to be thinner and so much more.

    BE careful to give in to THAT voice of darkness. This will be the best thing you e did for your health.